Am I worthy?

I have known an innumerable number of versions of myself throughout my life, and through all these renditions, one constant remains: my unyielding desire to be enough. Whether it was wanting to be more than just average at softball when I was 12, skinny enough when I was 16, or achieving more by the age of 24, I have never been enough for myself.

The term “competition” has always made my subconscious automatically identify myself as the opponent. My biggest enemy has always been me, and my fatal flaw—my hamartia—has been wanting and expecting more from myself than I could ever provide. My relationship with myself has always been turbulent and unsatisfactory. Rather than being grateful for the qualities that I and others recognize as positive, I have always focused on how I could improve.

Doctors, specialists, and teachers have tossed around diagnoses like imposter syndrome and chronic comparison, offering no clear solution other than the vague advice to "make peace with myself." But that has always been my greatest struggle. I have never known what it feels like to be comfortable or safe in my own mind or body. I have always seen myself as an enemy—one who is never without fault or malice—because when I am alone with myself, strife always ensues.

I have always meant to do and be better. Within my social circles, I am satisfied with what I receive from my friends and support system. But within myself, within my inner psyche, I couldn’t be angrier or less satisfied. Through self-analysis and honesty, I’ve come to realize that my incessant drive for perfectionism stems from my compulsive need for control over my life and circumstances.

Both emotional and physical security were elusive growing up, and as an adult, I now punish myself for not knowing how to navigate situations and realities I was never exposed to. I grew up in darkness, and now, even though I am free, I struggle to allow myself to enjoy the light I have created.