“Finding” myself

For as long as I can remember I've asked myself things like “How and when will I know who I am?” and “Is there only one true version of who I’m supposed to be?”. As I approached adulthood, I felt increasingly compelled to go on this journey of “finding” myself.

Committing myself to this journey early on in my life, I’ve journaled, gone to therapy, talked to friends and mentors, soul-searched, and yet I have asked the question “Who am I?” more times than I can remember with no resulting tangible understanding of myself.  

I know fractures of myself. I know I’ve always loved the smell of roses and the sound of water running. I know that I don't mind sitting in silence and I that like my tea with a little too much honey. I know that I have never known true peace, yet have found an unexpected joy in the future chance of finding it. Loving people has always felt natural to me, yet I've never been provided the opportunity to relish in the reciprocated love someone has for me. I have never felt worthy, yet loving and nurturing my current relationships with all my might has provided a closer glimpse of what I could decide my purpose to be.

Whilst I was 20, I hit a really dark spot in my existence and decided to surrender myself to the pursuit of knowledge and pledged to provide eternal love to those that spark joy in my heart and mind. This new era of accepting myself for my actions, words, and thoughts, had slowly given me  the opportunity to forge a new sense of self and in it a higher tolerance for the grace I give myself and others. 

Now at 24, I find myself reflecting back on my past few years and the phases I went through. I realize that I am, and will always be myself. I still am the 5 year-old version of myself who desired nothing more than to be a princess, I am still 14 and focuses too much energy on all my imperfections, while also being this 24 year-old version of myself who barely realized working out to be strong is better than working to be a specific size. Ive realized that all the dark and hard to digest pieces of myself are no less unworthy than the light and grace I provide. 

In thinking while being in this gentle phase, I have come to the thought that maybe we are the only ones who can decide who we are and how we wish to “find” a version of ourselves we are proud to be. Maybe there is more joy in experiencing several different realities throughout our life, and maybe there is something to be said about the danger of limiting yourself to one version and state.